thanks...

Today is Thanksgiving. I know it's kinda cliche to think about all the things you're thankful for, but I never really used to think about that stuff. I guess you could say that I'm taking things for granted. I don't know I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff lately and been really stressed about it. I mean this last year things change a lot. For the most part the change has been good I guess. But there was some change, especially with certain people that happened that I didn't like because I wish things stayed the same with them. But not just with how things were/are but I think I've changed more as a person. I guess it was to keep up with the pace at which everything was changing. Getting back to my original post, I guess I'm really thankful that I managed to somehow keep myself together to get through some of the stuff I did. I'm thankful that when I did breakdown it wasn't as fatal as it could have, or maybe should have been... the one time I almost died of alcohol poisoning. I'm thankful to God or whatever supreme being is up there that I didn't drink anymore than I did because I wouldn't be typing this right now had I had more to drink. I'm thankful for the friends that helped me that night. If it wasn't for them the screwed up, careless, and depressed mindset I was in around that time would have gotten the better of me and that would have lead to a worse scenario than what already happened that day.

I'm thankful for finally deciding to take charge in my life and do what I want to do. One of the big thing that I decided I wanted to do was pledge to join a fraternity. I can honestly say that is was one of, if not, the best decisions I've ever made. It has definitely changed who I am, and for the better. Doing this was so important because it's the first step in becoming who I am.

I'm thankful for the friends who have been there in my life, with out them I don't know where I'd be without them. I'm thankful for all the new people I've met in these recent months. I've met a lot of people who changed my out look on life. I'm also thankful for the things that could have been, but never did. In the end I guess it helped me realize that some things aren't meant to be, and maybe I'm better off that way.

I know this post is a little more deep, It's just the kind of deep mind set I've been in going through the daily struggle of figuring out who I really am.

Once again, as predicted...

I have no luck. Just get hyped up only to end up in last again.

Fight

"I asked Tyler what he'd been fighting.
Tyler said, his father."


I've been reading Fight Club and the book is amazing. I actually wish there was a real fight club, well, maybe there is but I wouldn't know because if the first two rules of fight club are: You don't talk about Fight Club. I have a connection to that aspect of that particular part of the book "tyler said, his father." If I was in the book, that part would go something like is:

"I asked Markus what he'd been fighting.
Markus said, myself."

I never really liked who I am. Maybe it's some chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe it's the way I handle things and then beat myself up mentally because that's not how I really wanted to handle them. Maybe it's just like one of those things where you can't stand someone, you don't really know why, but you just don't like them. Maybe I just do that to myself. I don't know what's wrong. Other people seem to think I'm alright. I'm a funny guy, they say, I'm fun to be around. I'm pretty far from alright. There are times where I just get depressed sometimes and that always turns into me putting myself down. I point out all my faults and I'm just real hard on myself. If there was a way I could actually fight myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I mean in the book Tyler never knew his father so fighting helped him deal with the whole abandonment and hate towards his father. I think that would help me out to. If I could just let out all this animosity towards myself with a couple of punches to the face, I'd feel better, It must be a guy thing, and I completely understand it. Men get mad, and violence is usually the first answer. It's just instinct. If a man could do any sort of physical harm to the thing that is pissing them off, the issue is usually resolved, and men feel better. And I feel that that is really the only way I'd ever stop hating who I am.

I'm nothing great. I live a rather boring life. I work midnights at a boring job. I don't really go out much because I hate going out by myself, it just makes me feel awkward. I don't have a girlfriend. And I would go out with my friends but most of them live far away. I sometimes think some of them don't even bother. They only contact me when they need a favor or something else. I feel disposable to them, like I don't matter. Like a piece of tissue, only used to help remove the snot and then thrown away. I don't think I can really blame them. I'm not really worth or matter that much anyway. I'm not like my brother. I wish I was like him. He has friends call him all the time. Phone never stops ringing. He survived cancer. Has an amazing story to tell about overcoming killer sickness. He is in a relation ship with a girls he's crazy about. I don't even know where I stand with the one I'm crazy about. He talks to everybody. I suffer from anxiety when I'm around people I don't know. Everyone knows who he is. There are a few people that didn't even know my mom had another son. His facebook wall and phone blew up with birthday wishes on May 1st. On January 23 I think my brother had to actually remind people it was my birthday. He gets all the attention.

I'm just me...

"Good Luck? Don't need it...Never had it."
That has become the story of my life. For once I just wish things would go the way I want them to. I feel that I'm always the one who gets the shit end of the deal on everything. That's why I never have or will ever believe in luck. Hell, I could be holding a four-leafed clover, wearing a lucky rabbits foot keychain and shirt with the number 7 on it and I guarantee things would still crumble at my feet before me. It just sucks never feeling that great. I work 40+ hours a week and never get to see any of my friends. I don't really care about the money I make either because what good is it if I don't gety to spend it on something fun. No one has really called me to make any plans which sucks. And when I do finally have plans to hang out with the one I really want to see, something always seems to happen the last minute and ruin that. It kills me to look forward to that one thing and then just getting let down. But that is just my luck. I haven't had any luck with sleeping either. The last 3 days I think I only managed 3hrs hours of actual sleep, the other time is just me laying in bed with my eyes closed hopping that might actually work this time. When I actually fall asleep I don't for long because lately I have been having nightmares which is strange because I never really had nightmare since I was young, but I've been having them non-stop lately. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing, I'm 22, that's to old to be losing sleep because of nightmares don't you think? I'm just really tired of all this shit that is always keeping me down. Like I said I just want things to go my way for once. Is that Really too much for me to ask? I sometimes think God really does have it in for me.

The Door

Just found a quote I think pretty much sums me up perfectly. It's a plus it's from Jim Morrison


"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."


I would like to think that despite how ridiculous I act sometimes I am intelligent. I mean I am doing alright in college so that has to count for something. Although being around some of the people I hang out with knocks me down on the smart scale. I feel what I lack in book smarts I make up for in common sense. Seeing people who lack that just baffles me. I'm not saying I'm better than them, I just find it strange that people have a hard time figuring out simple things.

I do think I am rather sensitive, I listen to my friends' feelings when they need some one to talk to. I am also somewhat fragile when people attack the insecurities I have about myself, comes with the low self esteem and even lower self worth I have. Although you wouldn't immediately notice since I am even better and covering up when I break down inside.

"soul of a clown" is almost dead on. All my friends usually tell me I'm funny or "you crack me up". I think that trying to be funny is one of the two thing I am good at, right next to art. I pretty much live or get wrapped up in that "clown" persona since I am always trying to make people laugh, I guess it makes me feel normal. I guess I just find it hard to connect with most people and when I make them laugh, we share a connection, and that makes thing less awkward. And it's that awkwardness or lack of connection when I am unable to make some one laugh that has caused me to miss out on a lot of things, some of which I think were very important. Keeping that persons going is one of the most difficult things I do, and I sometimes surprise myself how I mange to never break character...

little words, big meaning

Today I had one of those experiences of joy in the little things. Since I really had nothing to do, I decided to go to the skatepark. I forgot how much I enjoyed skateboarding. I think it has become my new outlet because I never really get mad when I skate because I force myself to have a chill vibe to help me focus on landing tricks. Although skateboarding is one of the simple things i enjoy, it's not the thing I wanted to talk about. While I was at the skatepark I was skating average at best,I landed about half of the basic tricks. Since the park is mostly ramps and made more for bikes, there is a little part that's for skateboarding where we're kinda crowded. I was at this spot with a group of little kids skating. I was skating and landed a 50-50 grind(the easiest grind) on a box and did a couple kickflips and heelflips( both basic tricks). After about skating nonstop for about 45mins I decided to take a break and relax on the bench. Now like I said I thought I was doing average at best. While I was taking a break drinking a Mountain Dew, one of the little kids, who was about 10 or 11 came up to me and said "you're awesome at skateboarding" I was taken back by it because I don't usually receive compliments on anything. I took me a second to reply "thanks" because of it. It seriously made my day. I mean it really wasn't that big of a deal but to me it was. To have a complete stranger come up to me and tell me I was good at something that I didn't think I was great at felt kinda good, not gonna lie. The little kid even asked me for tips which shocked me even more because maybe for that time I was there that kid maybe looked up to me, not to sound conceded or anything just a guess.

Getting back to the point I realized how one simple thing like that could make a persons day. So I'm gonna try to be like that little kid and try to be kind and give everyone a compliment everyday, no matter how little or simple it may seem, because you never know maybe that little thing is exactly what that person needed.

Walking Disaster

I hate when you try your hardest and put your all into something, having high hopes about it, but only to find out that it wasn't good enough. Guess I should be used to it by now, but it still sucks.

E.T ratted out The Men in Black

The truth is out there. Well at least I think it is. This may sound crazy but I do believe in aliens. It's why I've always had a fascination with outer space and movies and video games about life out there. Because I can see that happening. I find it a bit funny that people who believe in angles, ghost, and spirits laugh at the idea of the existence of extraterrestrial life. Why can't there be? I mean you'll believe that some nearly invisible, winged being can come back from the dead and talk to you, but you don't believe that superior technological advances can't allow there to be life on another planet? Come on, out of those two which sounds more logical. I'm not saying I don't believe in angles or ghost, I'm just saying that if you're gonna believe in that stuff you might as well go for the full package and believe in aliens too because both concepts are just as out there.

I also think that it is somewhat arrogant for us not to believe in extraterrestrial life. Do you know how big space is? I mean our planet alone is nothing but a pebble in our solar system. An the solar system we are in is just a rock in the Milky Way galaxy we live in. Astronomers and scientist estimate there are around 500 billion galaxies out there in the universe. When you put it to that scale, planet earth is basically nothing. Now here's where the arrogance comes in, you mean to tell me, that out of all the countless planets that are in those 500 billion galaxies that ours is the only one that harbors life? Odds alone should be enough to convince that ours is not the only planet capable of containing life. These places are so far away we'll never see them. So how could you so easily rule out the existence of another life form? Just seems kinda absurd to me.

People might argue "exactly, we haven't seen these planets, they're thousands of light-years away so how could any live form reach us?" Well that's where I think the technological advances come in. We really have no clue how advanced these other beings are, but they would have to be if they visited us (i.e. UFO's). What if they just choose not to come here? I mean look at our planet, if you could travel to any planet in any of the galaxies, would you really want to stay on ours? Or what if they already are here? Kind of like the movie Men In Black, they blend in and wear disguise so they could be just like us. Like those outrageous magazines you see in line at the grocery store that claims a woman gave birth to and is raising an alien on a farm. Or some of them come here as refuges to escape intergalactic war or other hard ships that we are oblivious to. What if we are the aliens?

A quote from Mick Mars was what got me thinking about that. what if we are the aliens? I wouldn't be surprised. I mean I wouldn't rule out that I could be one myself. I've always been an odd ball and had a quirky personality. I do some strange things or have little habits that other may find odd. Maybe it's those little different things we do, the ones we can't really explain why we do them, that makes us all aliens. It is an interesting concept that I am definitely not ruling out. I know going from believing in aliens to actually being one myself is a far leap, but I still believe in those two things and everything in between.

"Everyone likes to look for aliens, but I think we are the aliens. We're the descendants of the troublemakers on other planets. Just like Australia was a prison to England, where they sent all their criminals and so on, it's the same thing on Earth. This is where they dropped us off. We're the insane people from somewhere else."
-Mick Mars

At The Bottom

"Wait
I watched you throw out your bouquet
Now i think about you everyday
I'm alone now in my bed

And there's a lake
And at the bottom you'll find all my friends
They don't swim cause they're all dead
We never are what we intend, or invent
'Cause I make little lies and then I pull them apart
Think something dark's living down in my heart
And if I wanted to die before I got old
I should've started some years ago digging that hole

Well I carry this box to the proper place
And when I lower it down
I let it you fade away
I hope that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

A deer that a hunter shot in the heart
Some dogs that got hit by cars
All came to spill their guts

And we spoke
About the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
And which songs we had loved the most
And then we all turned to dirt
And dust
Some men die under the mountain just looking for gold
Some die looking for a hand to hold

Well I carry this box to its proper place
And when I lower it down
I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me

I stole bricks from the dam almost every day
Now I'm drowning in the flood I made
Well explain myself to me on the other side
I'm gonna want some answers when I die


Well I carry this box to its proper place
And when I lower it down
I let you fade away
I know that you would do this for me
I'd serve you drugs on a silver plate
If I thought it would help you get away
I hope that you would do this for me."

-Brand New, "At The Bottom"

Hands down, that is one of the best songs ever written in my opinion. Easily in my top 3.

Critical Error

I hate feeling like I'm never good enough, but it's one of the only consistent feelings I have. They say you are your own worst critic. Whoever they are I thinks had me in mind when they came up with that statement. When you have an inner you with not but negativity, it's difficult to think you have any value. And so is the story of my life. I think that's why it's really hard to hurt me because I sure I've insulted myself 10000000000x harsher than anyone can, so it's like no big deal when some one makes fun of my intelligence(or lack there of), my height (most common one, real original), or my looks (which, again, really doesn't bother me because I don't think I'm much to look at). This feeling also keeps me up constantly and make sure I get little to no sleep, hence me writing this at 3 in the morning. It's the most frustrating thing to deal with, and it the one thing I cannot seem to overcome. I won't let myself and that seems like the biggest joke there is. I can't even enjoy the few compliments because I convince myself that they're not true and I don't deserve them. Even with my art, one of the hardest thing I have convincing myself I'm not good, I still have doubts with. I don't know it just sucks feeling like I'll never good enough and pretty much fail.

Crushed by the Weight of Rock Bottom

Sitting by a bonfire next to friends Pete and Joe... was where my night ended, or at least that's the last thing I remember. From all the stories I heard my night was far from over. What took place after was probably me at my lowest point. I'm kinda glad that I don't remember any of it, because from what I heard it was bad.

Like I said the last thing I remember was sitting in front of the fire. I was drinking.I drank to much. I was extremely drunk. Actually drunk is an understatement. I was fucked up. I turned into a monster. I got extremely pissed off. For some reason, I sometimes get this paranoid feeling and think I don't matter and that everyone hates me. Last night was one of those times. I took that feeling to the extreme, but not in the whinny way. More like in the "fuck the world and everyone in it, I don't need you" way. All the frustration, hate, and anger I had towards myself and anyone and everything that I kept inside for the longest time came out. I feel sorry, and apologize to my best friend Joe and Kacy, they got the worst of it. I remember talking to Joe, before shit went downhill, about my new motto I'm gonna try to live by "don't think, just do"and that's what I did. That was one of the times where I wish I would have thought, because if I had known what it was going to lead to I would have never done it.

I feel bad for what I did. That alcohol fueled hatred caused me to swing at and even punch him in the head. If I was him I would have knocked me out, but he didn't even fight back. That's not the bad part either, I guess he took me back to his house where I threw up and pissed all over his house and myself. They should have kicked me out, but they didn't and that's a good thing because I still had my car keys and car outside, where I could have easily gotten in my car and drove off where odds are I would have crashed and killed someone or myself. But instead they took me to the hospital (where I pretty much spent most the night). So do they get a thanks for doing the right thing and taking me there and calling my parents? No, instead they get spat at and cursed out by me for them trying to help. I feel like a asshole. And to them I apologize.

I continued my reign of terror at the hospital, when the nurse ask to take my temperature I replied "No Bitch!" and probably called her other names. The rest of the stay was hazy, I remember waking up wondering where I am and how I got there, I would get and explanation and then pass back out. I was informed at just how bad I got. When I arrived my blood alcohol level was about 4.5 times what I could handle. Had it been 5 times what I could handle I would have been in a coma. If it was 6 times then I would have died. I was that close to killing myself with alcohol over a false belief. I'm not completely sure why I did it, I know I wanted to drink but I didn't want to get like that. Maybe I was just trying to let off some steam, and I did but it was more than I wanted to let off. The response to that "why" that startled me the most was the one I gave my brother, I told him I did it because I worried about his cancer coming back and him not making it. Needless to say I had everyone scared. I even had my poor sister in tears with the txt she sent my brother while he was at the hospital: "tell markus to stay strong so he can come back home and crack jokes and talk about the UFC it wouldn't be the same without him"

Amongst all that chaos and with the help of family, friends, and the doctors I managed to pull through. I'm at home now watching the ufc while I recover and try to forget about how bad I fucked last night. Like I said, if I would have know that was gonna happen I would have never done it. I guess I'll just take it as another lesson learned. Again, to all those that I have hurt or caused worry to because of last night.... I'm truly sorry, it won't happen again.

Shotgun Alarm Clock

I went to the Wayne State Student Art Show earlier today, there was a lot of amazing work there. I seen a couple pieces that my friends submitted. Two of my friends even were awarded scholarships. I mean, I'm happy for them but is it was a bit discouraging not being like one of them and having one of my art works in the show or winning an award.

It was difficult thing to comprehend because art is the one thing I'm supposed to be good at, actually it's the only thing I'm good at. I guess I'm not as good as I thought. I have to say though, today was a wake up call. Why wasn't any of my work in the show? Simple answer: It wasn't good enough. The final product wasn't exactly what I wanted. I realized, when I looked back at some of the work I've done this previous year, that I may have been slacking. I pretty much did the minimum to get a decent grade. I could have done a lot more to improve my work. Although it was disappointing to be told in some way that my art wasn't good enough, it was a good thing. I think that lit a fire fire under my ass. Since this semester is almost over, I'm going to work my hardest on the project I have left, and even harder on the ones I'll have to come in the semesters to come.

I think it's a good think to make a vow for myself like that, a personal goal. Since I love art, and it really is the only thing I'm good at, I want to prove that. I want to have my work up in the student and maybe even other shows. This day gave the drive I needed to be better at what I want to do. I also decided to adopted this concept into more aspects of my life. I've let a lot of things in my life not work out the way I wanted to because I didn't try hard enough or because I was afraid of failure. I'm going to try and not let failure and hard work stop me from achieving what I want.


Jeff: "For some reason I always thought that I was special, and different. and I guess I just have a really hard time when I want to be good at something, and I suck."

Pierce: "Jeffery, when I was born I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. My mom said that there came a point where the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me... I wouldn't even be here. that thing some men call failure, I call living ...breakfast! and I'm not leaving till I cleaned out the buffet."

I know how Elmer Fudd felt during open season

I was watching How I Met Your Mother the other day, and they brought up something that I found very interesting. It's strange because I don't usually look for any deep meanings in a sitcoms. Anyway the premise of the show was around this picture...





I have seen this picture before, it's a common optical illusion. It raised an interesting point. you could look at this picture all day for months and think it's a rabbit... but one day you look at it an you see a duck. They went into an argument on which was good and which was bad, they concluded that rabbit was bad. They went on to talk about the things in their lives that are "rabbits", the people they were chasing after that weren't right for them. It got me thinking

This idea of "chasing rabbits". It's a funny coincidence that this episode came on around the same time the new Alice in Wonderland came out. which mad me wonder about all the so-called "rabbits" we all chase. I mean if the "rabbits" are the things that aren't desirable to us, then why chase them. The whole idea seems absurd. Sometimes we can't help it. Speaking for myself I tend to get sucked into this that aren't always the best for me. Also I have a tendency to want things I can't have and that also keeps me interested in whatever I am chasing. Ideally it's not the best thing for me if I want to be happy, but I don't think that it's always harmful. I mean going after something gives you motivation. And as long as you know that what you're going after might be a waste of time, you should end the chase, any time after that is wasted.


This doesn't mean I don't have "ducks" I'm after. I can think of the one major duck I've been in pursuit of. How do we know what a duck is? Well, to me.... a duck is the thing that is the best for us. The person that makes us happy. The person that we enjoy being around, and when we're around them we're happy. The duck will do things to keep us happy. the duck is what is always on your mind, and never leaves it. It's what you don't want to stop thinking about. The duck is what you connect with and complements you. You never get tired of duck. Duck is what's always there for you when things get overwhelming and you need it there. Duck is even there when you don't need it, because it just wants to spend time with you.

The thing is no one is really sure what they are dealing with at first. Is the person a duck or a rabbit? I mean odds are it's gonna take a while to figure that out, so there is always risk of time being wasted, but I think that is only true when dealing with a rabbit. When you find the duck all that time before just makes it all worth while. What I try to do, as we all should, is use the talents and good things about us as "duck feed" so we can find that duck we are looking for in this giant pond we call a world. To "get our ducks in a row" so to speak.

One of the most painful things for me is when a friend is in some kind of pain. Rather it be physical or mental, the thought of knowing my friend is hurting is awful to say the least. What makes it even worse for me is knowing I can't do a thing about it. It kills me to be that powerless and sit idly by as a close one suffers. I'm the kind of person who is always putting others in front of me. It's one of the only reason I still actually go to church, to pray for my friends any others, because honestly, I could really care less what happens to me. I also think that's why I don't have that many friends, it's so I can take extreme care of the ones I have. I fuckin love my friends, they have made my life and I am forever in debut to them for that. But in return for that I'd take a bullet for all my friends. Sometime things get tough and it makes it hard for everyone. It's those times where it's where you need friends. I like to always be there for my friends. If you're reading this right now odds are you are one of my closer friends who actually know I started a blog. And I just want my friends to know that I'll be here for you until the end. If you ever feel overwhelmed or having a rough time, just let me know and I'll be there for you to help you with anything you need, never hesitate to ask. Don't ever feel like you're alone. I'm always here for you, don't ever forget that.

-Markus


"There is no greater love than to lay down one's life for one's friends"
-John 15:13

"I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad."
-Kurt Cobain

the girl next door

"Moral fiber...so, what is moral fiber? I mean, it's funny, cause I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds...basically being a fucking Boy Scout. But lately I've been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber is about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all. You put her in front of everything--your future, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn't so clean; you know what--it doesn't matter. Because in your heart, you know that the juice is worth the squeeze. That's what moral fiber's all about."

Feeling Like Pluto...

For some reason people seem to care a lot about fitting in. I never got it. Actually, I think I might get why some people try to fit in. The answer dawned on me this afternoon. I was in the library with a group of friends when it hit me. I was the only one in that group that didn't belong to the greek system. every other person there was either in a fraternity or sorority. I have to admit I felt left out. I think that's why people try so hard to fit in. it's nice to be part of something. I have always considered myself some what of loner. I always like to do my own thing. I do what I want and if anyone would like to join thats fine. I have found that there are some drawbacks with that mentality. Since I'm usually off on my own it's always been hard for me to open up to people. That's a big plus of being part of something, people are always there for you. There have been times where I was breaking down, and wished I had someone to talk about it with. I guess the thing I don't get is why people go to extreme lengths to try to fit in with everyone. To me that seem like an impossible task. I mean you can't please everyone. I don't get why people would go through putting themselves through pain and embarrassment to fit in with people who probably won't like them anyway.

.. I guess the point is sure it's great to be a part of something, but not it that thing is something that hurts you.