Fight

"I asked Tyler what he'd been fighting.
Tyler said, his father."


I've been reading Fight Club and the book is amazing. I actually wish there was a real fight club, well, maybe there is but I wouldn't know because if the first two rules of fight club are: You don't talk about Fight Club. I have a connection to that aspect of that particular part of the book "tyler said, his father." If I was in the book, that part would go something like is:

"I asked Markus what he'd been fighting.
Markus said, myself."

I never really liked who I am. Maybe it's some chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe it's the way I handle things and then beat myself up mentally because that's not how I really wanted to handle them. Maybe it's just like one of those things where you can't stand someone, you don't really know why, but you just don't like them. Maybe I just do that to myself. I don't know what's wrong. Other people seem to think I'm alright. I'm a funny guy, they say, I'm fun to be around. I'm pretty far from alright. There are times where I just get depressed sometimes and that always turns into me putting myself down. I point out all my faults and I'm just real hard on myself. If there was a way I could actually fight myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I mean in the book Tyler never knew his father so fighting helped him deal with the whole abandonment and hate towards his father. I think that would help me out to. If I could just let out all this animosity towards myself with a couple of punches to the face, I'd feel better, It must be a guy thing, and I completely understand it. Men get mad, and violence is usually the first answer. It's just instinct. If a man could do any sort of physical harm to the thing that is pissing them off, the issue is usually resolved, and men feel better. And I feel that that is really the only way I'd ever stop hating who I am.

I'm nothing great. I live a rather boring life. I work midnights at a boring job. I don't really go out much because I hate going out by myself, it just makes me feel awkward. I don't have a girlfriend. And I would go out with my friends but most of them live far away. I sometimes think some of them don't even bother. They only contact me when they need a favor or something else. I feel disposable to them, like I don't matter. Like a piece of tissue, only used to help remove the snot and then thrown away. I don't think I can really blame them. I'm not really worth or matter that much anyway. I'm not like my brother. I wish I was like him. He has friends call him all the time. Phone never stops ringing. He survived cancer. Has an amazing story to tell about overcoming killer sickness. He is in a relation ship with a girls he's crazy about. I don't even know where I stand with the one I'm crazy about. He talks to everybody. I suffer from anxiety when I'm around people I don't know. Everyone knows who he is. There are a few people that didn't even know my mom had another son. His facebook wall and phone blew up with birthday wishes on May 1st. On January 23 I think my brother had to actually remind people it was my birthday. He gets all the attention.

I'm just me...

"Good Luck? Don't need it...Never had it."
That has become the story of my life. For once I just wish things would go the way I want them to. I feel that I'm always the one who gets the shit end of the deal on everything. That's why I never have or will ever believe in luck. Hell, I could be holding a four-leafed clover, wearing a lucky rabbits foot keychain and shirt with the number 7 on it and I guarantee things would still crumble at my feet before me. It just sucks never feeling that great. I work 40+ hours a week and never get to see any of my friends. I don't really care about the money I make either because what good is it if I don't gety to spend it on something fun. No one has really called me to make any plans which sucks. And when I do finally have plans to hang out with the one I really want to see, something always seems to happen the last minute and ruin that. It kills me to look forward to that one thing and then just getting let down. But that is just my luck. I haven't had any luck with sleeping either. The last 3 days I think I only managed 3hrs hours of actual sleep, the other time is just me laying in bed with my eyes closed hopping that might actually work this time. When I actually fall asleep I don't for long because lately I have been having nightmares which is strange because I never really had nightmare since I was young, but I've been having them non-stop lately. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing, I'm 22, that's to old to be losing sleep because of nightmares don't you think? I'm just really tired of all this shit that is always keeping me down. Like I said I just want things to go my way for once. Is that Really too much for me to ask? I sometimes think God really does have it in for me.