Today is Thanksgiving. I know it's kinda cliche to think about all the things you're thankful for, but I never really used to think about that stuff. I guess you could say that I'm taking things for granted. I don't know I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff lately and been really stressed about it. I mean this last year things change a lot. For the most part the change has been good I guess. But there was some change, especially with certain people that happened that I didn't like because I wish things stayed the same with them. But not just with how things were/are but I think I've changed more as a person. I guess it was to keep up with the pace at which everything was changing. Getting back to my original post, I guess I'm really thankful that I managed to somehow keep myself together to get through some of the stuff I did. I'm thankful that when I did breakdown it wasn't as fatal as it could have, or maybe should have been... the one time I almost died of alcohol poisoning. I'm thankful to God or whatever supreme being is up there that I didn't drink anymore than I did because I wouldn't be typing this right now had I had more to drink. I'm thankful for the friends that helped me that night. If it wasn't for them the screwed up, careless, and depressed mindset I was in around that time would have gotten the better of me and that would have lead to a worse scenario than what already happened that day.
I'm thankful for finally deciding to take charge in my life and do what I want to do. One of the big thing that I decided I wanted to do was pledge to join a fraternity. I can honestly say that is was one of, if not, the best decisions I've ever made. It has definitely changed who I am, and for the better. Doing this was so important because it's the first step in becoming who I am.
I'm thankful for the friends who have been there in my life, with out them I don't know where I'd be without them. I'm thankful for all the new people I've met in these recent months. I've met a lot of people who changed my out look on life. I'm also thankful for the things that could have been, but never did. In the end I guess it helped me realize that some things aren't meant to be, and maybe I'm better off that way.
I know this post is a little more deep, It's just the kind of deep mind set I've been in going through the daily struggle of figuring out who I really am.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Fight
"I asked Tyler what he'd been fighting.
Tyler said, his father."
I've been reading Fight Club and the book is amazing. I actually wish there was a real fight club, well, maybe there is but I wouldn't know because if the first two rules of fight club are: You don't talk about Fight Club. I have a connection to that aspect of that particular part of the book "tyler said, his father." If I was in the book, that part would go something like is:
"I asked Markus what he'd been fighting.
Markus said, myself."
I never really liked who I am. Maybe it's some chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe it's the way I handle things and then beat myself up mentally because that's not how I really wanted to handle them. Maybe it's just like one of those things where you can't stand someone, you don't really know why, but you just don't like them. Maybe I just do that to myself. I don't know what's wrong. Other people seem to think I'm alright. I'm a funny guy, they say, I'm fun to be around. I'm pretty far from alright. There are times where I just get depressed sometimes and that always turns into me putting myself down. I point out all my faults and I'm just real hard on myself. If there was a way I could actually fight myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I mean in the book Tyler never knew his father so fighting helped him deal with the whole abandonment and hate towards his father. I think that would help me out to. If I could just let out all this animosity towards myself with a couple of punches to the face, I'd feel better, It must be a guy thing, and I completely understand it. Men get mad, and violence is usually the first answer. It's just instinct. If a man could do any sort of physical harm to the thing that is pissing them off, the issue is usually resolved, and men feel better. And I feel that that is really the only way I'd ever stop hating who I am.
I'm nothing great. I live a rather boring life. I work midnights at a boring job. I don't really go out much because I hate going out by myself, it just makes me feel awkward. I don't have a girlfriend. And I would go out with my friends but most of them live far away. I sometimes think some of them don't even bother. They only contact me when they need a favor or something else. I feel disposable to them, like I don't matter. Like a piece of tissue, only used to help remove the snot and then thrown away. I don't think I can really blame them. I'm not really worth or matter that much anyway. I'm not like my brother. I wish I was like him. He has friends call him all the time. Phone never stops ringing. He survived cancer. Has an amazing story to tell about overcoming killer sickness. He is in a relation ship with a girls he's crazy about. I don't even know where I stand with the one I'm crazy about. He talks to everybody. I suffer from anxiety when I'm around people I don't know. Everyone knows who he is. There are a few people that didn't even know my mom had another son. His facebook wall and phone blew up with birthday wishes on May 1st. On January 23 I think my brother had to actually remind people it was my birthday. He gets all the attention.
I'm just me...
Tyler said, his father."
I've been reading Fight Club and the book is amazing. I actually wish there was a real fight club, well, maybe there is but I wouldn't know because if the first two rules of fight club are: You don't talk about Fight Club. I have a connection to that aspect of that particular part of the book "tyler said, his father." If I was in the book, that part would go something like is:
"I asked Markus what he'd been fighting.
Markus said, myself."
I never really liked who I am. Maybe it's some chemical imbalance in my brain. Maybe it's the way I handle things and then beat myself up mentally because that's not how I really wanted to handle them. Maybe it's just like one of those things where you can't stand someone, you don't really know why, but you just don't like them. Maybe I just do that to myself. I don't know what's wrong. Other people seem to think I'm alright. I'm a funny guy, they say, I'm fun to be around. I'm pretty far from alright. There are times where I just get depressed sometimes and that always turns into me putting myself down. I point out all my faults and I'm just real hard on myself. If there was a way I could actually fight myself, I would do it in a heartbeat. I mean in the book Tyler never knew his father so fighting helped him deal with the whole abandonment and hate towards his father. I think that would help me out to. If I could just let out all this animosity towards myself with a couple of punches to the face, I'd feel better, It must be a guy thing, and I completely understand it. Men get mad, and violence is usually the first answer. It's just instinct. If a man could do any sort of physical harm to the thing that is pissing them off, the issue is usually resolved, and men feel better. And I feel that that is really the only way I'd ever stop hating who I am.
I'm nothing great. I live a rather boring life. I work midnights at a boring job. I don't really go out much because I hate going out by myself, it just makes me feel awkward. I don't have a girlfriend. And I would go out with my friends but most of them live far away. I sometimes think some of them don't even bother. They only contact me when they need a favor or something else. I feel disposable to them, like I don't matter. Like a piece of tissue, only used to help remove the snot and then thrown away. I don't think I can really blame them. I'm not really worth or matter that much anyway. I'm not like my brother. I wish I was like him. He has friends call him all the time. Phone never stops ringing. He survived cancer. Has an amazing story to tell about overcoming killer sickness. He is in a relation ship with a girls he's crazy about. I don't even know where I stand with the one I'm crazy about. He talks to everybody. I suffer from anxiety when I'm around people I don't know. Everyone knows who he is. There are a few people that didn't even know my mom had another son. His facebook wall and phone blew up with birthday wishes on May 1st. On January 23 I think my brother had to actually remind people it was my birthday. He gets all the attention.
I'm just me...
Monday, June 7, 2010
"Good Luck? Don't need it...Never had it."
That has become the story of my life. For once I just wish things would go the way I want them to. I feel that I'm always the one who gets the shit end of the deal on everything. That's why I never have or will ever believe in luck. Hell, I could be holding a four-leafed clover, wearing a lucky rabbits foot keychain and shirt with the number 7 on it and I guarantee things would still crumble at my feet before me. It just sucks never feeling that great. I work 40+ hours a week and never get to see any of my friends. I don't really care about the money I make either because what good is it if I don't gety to spend it on something fun. No one has really called me to make any plans which sucks. And when I do finally have plans to hang out with the one I really want to see, something always seems to happen the last minute and ruin that. It kills me to look forward to that one thing and then just getting let down. But that is just my luck. I haven't had any luck with sleeping either. The last 3 days I think I only managed 3hrs hours of actual sleep, the other time is just me laying in bed with my eyes closed hopping that might actually work this time. When I actually fall asleep I don't for long because lately I have been having nightmares which is strange because I never really had nightmare since I was young, but I've been having them non-stop lately. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing, I'm 22, that's to old to be losing sleep because of nightmares don't you think? I'm just really tired of all this shit that is always keeping me down. Like I said I just want things to go my way for once. Is that Really too much for me to ask? I sometimes think God really does have it in for me.
That has become the story of my life. For once I just wish things would go the way I want them to. I feel that I'm always the one who gets the shit end of the deal on everything. That's why I never have or will ever believe in luck. Hell, I could be holding a four-leafed clover, wearing a lucky rabbits foot keychain and shirt with the number 7 on it and I guarantee things would still crumble at my feet before me. It just sucks never feeling that great. I work 40+ hours a week and never get to see any of my friends. I don't really care about the money I make either because what good is it if I don't gety to spend it on something fun. No one has really called me to make any plans which sucks. And when I do finally have plans to hang out with the one I really want to see, something always seems to happen the last minute and ruin that. It kills me to look forward to that one thing and then just getting let down. But that is just my luck. I haven't had any luck with sleeping either. The last 3 days I think I only managed 3hrs hours of actual sleep, the other time is just me laying in bed with my eyes closed hopping that might actually work this time. When I actually fall asleep I don't for long because lately I have been having nightmares which is strange because I never really had nightmare since I was young, but I've been having them non-stop lately. I don't like to talk about it because it's embarrassing, I'm 22, that's to old to be losing sleep because of nightmares don't you think? I'm just really tired of all this shit that is always keeping me down. Like I said I just want things to go my way for once. Is that Really too much for me to ask? I sometimes think God really does have it in for me.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Door
Just found a quote I think pretty much sums me up perfectly. It's a plus it's from Jim Morrison
"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
I would like to think that despite how ridiculous I act sometimes I am intelligent. I mean I am doing alright in college so that has to count for something. Although being around some of the people I hang out with knocks me down on the smart scale. I feel what I lack in book smarts I make up for in common sense. Seeing people who lack that just baffles me. I'm not saying I'm better than them, I just find it strange that people have a hard time figuring out simple things.
I do think I am rather sensitive, I listen to my friends' feelings when they need some one to talk to. I am also somewhat fragile when people attack the insecurities I have about myself, comes with the low self esteem and even lower self worth I have. Although you wouldn't immediately notice since I am even better and covering up when I break down inside.
"soul of a clown" is almost dead on. All my friends usually tell me I'm funny or "you crack me up". I think that trying to be funny is one of the two thing I am good at, right next to art. I pretty much live or get wrapped up in that "clown" persona since I am always trying to make people laugh, I guess it makes me feel normal. I guess I just find it hard to connect with most people and when I make them laugh, we share a connection, and that makes thing less awkward. And it's that awkwardness or lack of connection when I am unable to make some one laugh that has caused me to miss out on a lot of things, some of which I think were very important. Keeping that persons going is one of the most difficult things I do, and I sometimes surprise myself how I mange to never break character...
"I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."
I would like to think that despite how ridiculous I act sometimes I am intelligent. I mean I am doing alright in college so that has to count for something. Although being around some of the people I hang out with knocks me down on the smart scale. I feel what I lack in book smarts I make up for in common sense. Seeing people who lack that just baffles me. I'm not saying I'm better than them, I just find it strange that people have a hard time figuring out simple things.
I do think I am rather sensitive, I listen to my friends' feelings when they need some one to talk to. I am also somewhat fragile when people attack the insecurities I have about myself, comes with the low self esteem and even lower self worth I have. Although you wouldn't immediately notice since I am even better and covering up when I break down inside.
"soul of a clown" is almost dead on. All my friends usually tell me I'm funny or "you crack me up". I think that trying to be funny is one of the two thing I am good at, right next to art. I pretty much live or get wrapped up in that "clown" persona since I am always trying to make people laugh, I guess it makes me feel normal. I guess I just find it hard to connect with most people and when I make them laugh, we share a connection, and that makes thing less awkward. And it's that awkwardness or lack of connection when I am unable to make some one laugh that has caused me to miss out on a lot of things, some of which I think were very important. Keeping that persons going is one of the most difficult things I do, and I sometimes surprise myself how I mange to never break character...
Monday, May 10, 2010
little words, big meaning
Today I had one of those experiences of joy in the little things. Since I really had nothing to do, I decided to go to the skatepark. I forgot how much I enjoyed skateboarding. I think it has become my new outlet because I never really get mad when I skate because I force myself to have a chill vibe to help me focus on landing tricks. Although skateboarding is one of the simple things i enjoy, it's not the thing I wanted to talk about. While I was at the skatepark I was skating average at best,I landed about half of the basic tricks. Since the park is mostly ramps and made more for bikes, there is a little part that's for skateboarding where we're kinda crowded. I was at this spot with a group of little kids skating. I was skating and landed a 50-50 grind(the easiest grind) on a box and did a couple kickflips and heelflips( both basic tricks). After about skating nonstop for about 45mins I decided to take a break and relax on the bench. Now like I said I thought I was doing average at best. While I was taking a break drinking a Mountain Dew, one of the little kids, who was about 10 or 11 came up to me and said "you're awesome at skateboarding" I was taken back by it because I don't usually receive compliments on anything. I took me a second to reply "thanks" because of it. It seriously made my day. I mean it really wasn't that big of a deal but to me it was. To have a complete stranger come up to me and tell me I was good at something that I didn't think I was great at felt kinda good, not gonna lie. The little kid even asked me for tips which shocked me even more because maybe for that time I was there that kid maybe looked up to me, not to sound conceded or anything just a guess.
Getting back to the point I realized how one simple thing like that could make a persons day. So I'm gonna try to be like that little kid and try to be kind and give everyone a compliment everyday, no matter how little or simple it may seem, because you never know maybe that little thing is exactly what that person needed.
Getting back to the point I realized how one simple thing like that could make a persons day. So I'm gonna try to be like that little kid and try to be kind and give everyone a compliment everyday, no matter how little or simple it may seem, because you never know maybe that little thing is exactly what that person needed.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Walking Disaster
I hate when you try your hardest and put your all into something, having high hopes about it, but only to find out that it wasn't good enough. Guess I should be used to it by now, but it still sucks.
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